So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Randomize
