have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Randomize
