Just fell off a train. Bad.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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