the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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