Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
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