So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
