Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
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