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So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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