we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Randomize
