one word: firstdatebathroomanal
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
tell me about the fingering
Randomize
