You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Randomize
