I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
