I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize
