I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Randomize
