Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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