So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Randomize
