i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
