I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
