do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
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