the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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