I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
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