Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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