He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
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