so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
