It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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