HIV tests are more positive than that guy
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
