this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
