you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
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