Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Randomize
