I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I just forgot I was standing up.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
