dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Randomize