I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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