I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Just pee around me
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
