he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
