I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
I just googled if crying burns calories
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Randomize
