She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
