he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
