you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
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