Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
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