remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
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