she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize
