Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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