I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize