just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Randomize
