mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
