I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Randomize
