I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
