he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Randomize
