I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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