Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
