Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
