When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Randomize
