1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
