I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
what is it with giant penises always finding me
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Randomize
