i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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