i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
