I think I won the penis lottery.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize