On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
