I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
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