i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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