im six kinds of drunk right now
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
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