well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
her facebook's as public as her vagina
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
is that a dick in a sweater?
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
