Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
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