i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
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