I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
