After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Randomize
