I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I need moral support for this bender
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
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