Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Never underestimate the power of titties
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
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