I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
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