This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
