Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Randomize